In fairness - France Telecom is just as bad as some US firm operating in California which I will not name. I asked for a line to disconnected back in April of 2003. I still have not received a final bill that is correct (they own me money). They must be thinking that I am tired of asking but I patiently write and re-write my complaint, constantly adding photocopies of previous letters and moving up in their hierarchy. I figure that by graduation date, I'll be writing to their CEO. Unfortunately, they are not responding, so I cannot collect their replies to read out during one of our "soothe the mood" evenings. I could adopt the screaming tone of the angry customer whose business' survival depends on the settlement of this dispute, the suicidal-looking face of a completely depressed phone user who has lost everything in Las Vegas and would desperately need this money back to help reimburse their personal bankrupcy costs, the composed voice of a law-like negotiator announcing that an official complaint was filed and that a copy was sent to the president of the SEC. In all cases, I am certain of the result: none.

I am betting on the fact that if I write 1 letter a day, leave two voicemails a night, generate an overflow of automatically generated e-mails with a copy/pasted story, blast off 20 faxes in a round-robin pattern every other day and do so religiously for the next three months, they will ultimately give in.

Actually, my experience with them was not excellent all the time either. I used them only for months, as for years, I lived in an area covered by someone else.
Here is how the story goes: I move into this new place and I call them up to set up a new phone line. They blah blah me through their million options, I indicate firmly that I will not get lured into any of their marketing trap, I have my long-distance problem solved some other way and no I don't want to receive random offers by a zillion over-enthusiastic salespersons.

Two weeks later, I have no more dialing tone. I pick up my cell phone and I ring up their customer service number.

"All our operators are currently assisting other customers. Your call is important to us so please don't hang up. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received." cheesy music "did you know that you can get DSL services for only $xx.99 a month with our new package. Call now for our special offer" cheesy music "please have your client number and your phone number ready. If you are calling to make a payment, please have your credit card details ready" cheesy music "repeat"

I wait for 20 minutes. I plug my cell phone into the wall socket as I would hate my battery to fail when they finally pick up the phone.



"Hello - this is Wendy, how may I assist you?"
"Hi, I am finance Monkey, client # is xyowhft, my phone number is blah blah blah and I live at such and such a place. I am calling you because..."
"hold on, client num...ber...What was your phone number again?"
"all right, I am calling you because I don't have a dial tone anymore, and I would love to be able to make calls. In fact, it is exactly what I was intending to use my telephone for"
"let me see...I am pulling up your details here. Damn, the system's stuck. Oh no, there we are. Right...Well, we had to disconnect your phone because you have not paid your bills for the last 6 months"
"really? well that would be quite normal, I started using your services two weeks ago. I was not a customer of yours before so I am assuming you did not send me any bills"
"no, no, this number has not paid bills for the past 6 months"
"well, I am sorry to hear this, but this number has been mine for only two weeks so I do not think that I should be concerned with this. If we could talk about how we can have this line reconnected, I'd be much obliged"
"are you John?"

- anyone who has heard me talk would never ask me if my first name is John -

"no, I am not John, I am Finance Monkey and I have not paid any bill because I have not even received my first bill from you. Now, can I have my phone line back on please?"
-well, no, I must wait for John to pay the bills
- Ok. You deal with John and you and I deal with the reconnection of this phone line"
"you don't understand, I cannot reconnect the line until John pays the bill"
"but I don't even know who John is!!! I have nothing to do with this person and I want nothing to do with this person!"
"Then you can pay his bill and I reconnect the line for you"
(flabbergasted me)
"what?!?!?!?!?!? I am sorry I am not going to pay some fool's bill. My problem is very simple. Yesterday I had a phone line working and today I don't. You are the phone people, and I need your assistance in restoring this service. I will pay my bill when you send it to me."
"Ok, ok, then I need to change the phone number"
"No, no, no. I have just moved in and I have sent my new number to half the planet. I am not going through this again. I need this phone line back the way it was with the SAME phone number"
"hold on, if your phone is not working, how can you be calling me?"
(losing it)
"I am calling through a satellite in orbit around Mars relay. I am actually on a mission to the moon right now but I'd like to call home. So could I have my phone line back please?"
"hold on, this is getting too complicated for me, I am going to ask my manager"
"this is a WONDERFUL IDEA. don't hang up on me please, I'll wait around"
cheesy music "with Phone_Company, you can now consult new options online" cheesy music
"hello Mr Finance Monkey? This is Wendy again. Sorry to keep you waiting. Ok I talked to my manager and it looks like we could try to get you a phone line again. We are going to try to talk to John"
"tut tut tut...I am sorry. I am not going to have my problem resolution contingent upon some guy who has vanished into the wild wild west with a bunch of liabilities. I would like to have my phone line back, whether you talk to John or not. Do you think that this pertains to the domain of possibles? or must I switch to a webcam-only system? and transponder technology?"
"Ok. My manager is telling me that he thinks we can do that."
"with the same phone number?"
"yes, with the same phone number."
"well, good. And when would this be effective?
"hold on."
cheesy music "our customer service line is accessible 24hr a day, 7 days a week" cheesy music
"your line should be reconnected by tomorrow"
"fantastic. Thank you very much Wendy"
"you're welcome. Thank you for calling Phone_Company. Have a good day"

And a good day it was.

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